I'm scared of people asking me for directions

2013年03月22日：我害怕有人跟我問路：陳祺勳
by Chen Qixun

我非常害怕有人跟我問路，因為我常常都不知道現在是要去哪，更何況要替別人指出方向了，而且，我也沒辦法用正常人的方法替人指路，正常人替人指路的方法是某某路走到跟某某路交叉的時候第幾個紅綠燈右轉（我想舉實際的例子，但我舉不出實際的路名）。

I'm quite scared of people on the street asking me for directions. I myself often don't know where I'm going; how can I tell other people which way to go? Furthermore, I can't use the normal method of giving directions. Normal people give directions by saying go on such-and-such a street to the intersection of such-and-such street, and after some number of stoplights turn right (I wish I could use a real-life example, but I can't think of any street names).

有人跟我問路了，我通常是這樣回答的，嗯，我們現在是在這裡沒錯吧，你往前走一小段距離會看見一間賣襪子的店，然後再在賣紅豆餅的地方右轉，等等， 左轉，左邊是哪一邊（看自己手錶戴在哪一手），對了，左轉，然後再往前走你會看見兩間便利商店，你要去的地方就在兩間便利商店的中間，比較靠近全家，離 7-11遠一點。此時正常的路人都會問，所以是什麼路和什麼路嗎，我只好回答他，對不起，我不知道路的名字，你還是問別人比較快（然後路人就會露出那種遇見瘋子的謹慎微笑慢慢倒退離開）。

When people ask me for directions, I usually answer like this: "Um, right now we're here, yes. First you go a straight a little ways and then you'll see a store that sells pants, and then at the place with the red bean cakes take a right ... (pause) ... left is which way again?" (I glancing at my hands to see which one has my watch on it.) "Yes, left. Then go straight again, and then you'll see two convenience stores, and the place you're looking for is between them, a bit closer to the Family Mart, a bit farther from the 7-11." At this point, normal people will ask: So what it's at what street and what street? And all I can say is: "I'm sorry, I don't know the name of the street, you'd better ask somebody else, it'll be faster." (Then they get a look on their face like they're dealing with a crazy person, and they carefully smile and slowly back away.)

之前有人問我某個地址，我說，我知道！那個就在忠孝sogo的對面，BR4的旁邊，往微風廣場的方向走你就可以看 到，所以我的座標都是以百貨公司為基準點來畫的，不是我要自誇，我可以畫出微風廣場（或A4或A9和101的）裡面專櫃的平面圖喔，如果你在問我台北市有 幾間香奈兒在哪裡我可以馬上回答，但在今天之前我不知道敦化南路和敦化北路其實是同一條路（這種事沒什麼好自誇的吧）我對世界的認識是由一間一間店建築起來的，動物學家勞倫茲記載過一種水老鼠每次離巢都會依循同樣路線回巢，即使有明明近很多的路牠們也不會改變，因為牠們的頭腦沒法處理這種事，我覺得我也有那種水鼠基因。

Once somebody asked me for some address, and I said: "I know where that is! It's across from Zhongxiao SOGO, next to BR4. Go toward the Breeze shopping center and you'll see it." My coordinates are drawn using department stores as reference points. Not to boast, but I could draw you a detailed map of the layout of the of the Breeze center (or A4, or A9, or 101). If you asked me how many Chanel stores there are in Taipei, I could answer you instantly. But before today I didn't know that Dunhua South Rd and and Dunhua North Rd were in fact the same street (and that's certainly nothing to be proud of). My knowledge of the world is built entirely on stores. The zoologist Konrad Lorenz once wrote about a kind of water rat that, when venturing out its nest, would always have to return along exactly the same route. Even if there was another route that was obviously much more direct, still the rat could not change; its brain simply could not process such a thing. I think I must share some genes with this water rat.